Flesh Page 13

  “Hey, Brody. Abraham is here to see you,” Agent Mulgrove said at my office door.

  I nodded and set down the case files I’d been going over. It had pretty much come to a standstill the moment Claudia blacked out. There was no way we could send her in to do the undercover job anymore. We could barely get her to speak at this point. We shouldn’t have asked this of her. I felt the guilt of that decision weighing on my chest like a twenty-ton weight. The regret, at what the decision caused, ate at me every waking second. I hadn’t rested the last two days because of it. All I could think about was Claudia.

  I slowly rose from my chair as Abraham came into my office. Dark circles plagued his eyes, and his cheeks looked about as sunken in as mine. He hadn’t rested either. I bet he was barely feeding by the dull color of his eyes.

  “Brahm. How is she?” I asked as I shook his hand.

  He sat in the chair opposite of me, and I followed suit.

  “I can’t keep watching her like this. I’ve had Lucy stay at the apartment with her the last two nights, but she can’t be there every night. She has her own job and own home to be in. God knows, I couldn’t kick her out if I tried. Claudia seems calmer with her around.”

  I sighed and rubbed my hands down my face, before resting my chin in the palm of my hand. “Has she spoken to Lucy?”

  He shook his head. “No. She’ll let her sit next to her, though. Lucy hums to her when it seems like her mind is slipping backwards … Diego…” Brahm took in a sharp, shaky breath and turned solemn eyes to me. I’d never seen him so hopeless. “What have I done to her? This is all my fault, and I can’t—” His face falls into his hands.

  I knew exactly what he was feeling. It was as if we were clawing our way out of a hole, but each grasp of the wall only brought back chunks of dirt. Claudia stood there at the top, waiting for us to come save her. But no matter what we tried, we just couldn’t reach her. Still, we kept trying anyway.

  I reached a hand over and laid it on his shoulder, squeezing it as he fell apart. I’d come to appreciate Abraham for all his strengths these last few weeks. He was fiercely protective and loyal to a fault. Seeing him like this broke me, almost as much as seeing Claudia as she was. It was funny to say it, but I’d come to realize I cared about him as a dear friend. He accepted my love for Claudia so easily. He’d approved of my being with her, even though I knew it killed him that her attentions had wandered.

  Now, he was losing her to herself.

  “We will figure this out, Brahm. Claudia is strong. It hurts like hell to see her like this, but if I know anything about Claudia, it’s that she is a fighter. That woman has been through hell and back, and while right now she may be broken, she’s not shattered completely. It’s not your fault. You did what you thought was right. She’s had a great life because of what you did, and I bet it’s because of that she fights her way through this. We just have to figure out a way to give her the push in the right direction.”

  Abraham took one last deep breath then raised his head. His eyes searched mine, probably looking to see if I meant what I said. “Thank you, Diego. I’m so blinded by the guilt of my block backfiring, I’m failing to see any upside. But the upside is you.”

  My brows raised in surprise. “Me?” I’d never heard anyone call me an upside.

  “Yes. You. You resonate so strongly with her that she broke through that barrier. We’ve been here for years, surrounded by multiple things that could set her memories off, yet it’s not until you that she opened up enough for it to come barreling through.”

  I frowned. “That doesn’t sound like an upside. That sounds like the issue.”

  Abraham shook his head. “No. Don’t you get it? She was closed off to all her feelings. Especially the ones for me. But you show up and you test her. You challenge her. You turned back on all those repressed emotions she’s been hiding away. Yes, her memories started coming back full force, but so did everything else. I got to hold my girl in my arms again! It has been constant agony having to tiptoe around it all. Touching her only in the most minute amounts. Not being able to kiss her. You being here allowed that to happen.”

  “I think I get what you’re saying, but wasn’t she starting to get those flashbacks before me?”

  He shook his head. “Not until she found out you’d been there asking to see her. She remembered you from Hollis’ case with Lucy. She showed up at your place for answers, not the office. Your apartment. It’s been you from the beginning that helped her realize what she was feeling.”

  I sat back and scratched the back of my head, completely blown away by what Abraham was suggesting. I was the reason? “How exactly does this help us though?”

  His face lightened up with each passing minute. “Think about it. You aren’t linked to her past. She loves you. You could be the one to break through to her.”

  I shook my head. “She wouldn’t even let me touch her, remember?”

  He waved his hands dismissively. “I don’t think that’ll be the case now. At first, everything was still fresh. She’s had a few days to absorb it all, and while yes, she’s still very much reclusive, she’s calmer. You may be exactly what she needs right now.”

  I sighed and stretched back with my hands behind my head. I thought over how badly this would go if my being there only made things worse. What if she fell further back into her solitude with my presence? There’d definitely be no way back if that happened. We were already hanging by a thread.

  Then again, a lot of what Abraham said was sinking in. Had it really been me that helped her break through those barriers he placed? It takes a lot of will power and strength to take down something built within the mind by an ancient. Could it work?

  We had so much to lose if we tried this, yet so much to gain if we succeeded. Even if we got her to talk, that’d be a step in the right direction.

  I glanced back at Abraham’s hopeful face. I had to try. At least for him after all he did for me. I wanted to see Claudia again anyways. Being away, even for a few days, was killing me.

  “Alright,” I agreed, resting my hands on my knees. “I’ll try.”

  Abraham responded with the first smile I’d seen on his face in days.

  I clenched my fist nervously as we entered the floor leading to Claudia’s and Abraham’s apartment. Abraham’s steps were rigid, showing he was just as nervous as I was. Though, a tiny bit of hope sparked lightly in my chest.

  As we approached the door, Lucy opened it and looked up at us solemnly.

  “I let her know you were coming, but still nothing. She didn’t shake her head against it, though.” Her words were whispered, and her eyes held the same worry as ours.

  I reached a hand out and grasped hers. “Go get some rest, Luce. We can take it from here.”

  She looked back into the apartment, then back to me and nodded. “Be gentle. No sudden movements. Just talk to her. I hope whatever plan Abraham has with you works. I need my best friend back.”

  Abraham leaned over and kissed her head. “We’ll be careful. Go home, love.”

  She smiled at him and squeezed my hand, before giving a soft goodbye and heading towards the steps.

  Abraham looked at me and took a deep breath in. “You ready?”

  I only nodded in response, then lightly opened the door all the way.

  The sight of Claudia curled up in the corner with her knees pressed to her chest and her eyes trained on the wall tore me up inside. She gently rocked back and forth as she traced her knee with a finger. Dried bloody tears stained her cheeks. Her hair was matted from lack of care, and she had layers and layers of clothes covering her body.

  I knew it was bad, but seeing it was far worse than I imagined.

  Abraham nodded at me and walked back towards the stairs. I cautiously entered the loft, making sure to make just enough noise so she’d know someone was here. I closed the door quietly and continued forward, steps soft so as not to spook her.

  When I felt like I was close enough not to startl
e her, I knelt and sat on my feet. I placed my hands in my lap to show her I meant no harm.

  “Querida…” I whispered the nickname I’d given her.

  Suddenly, her rocking stopped, as did her finger moving along her knee. She didn’t look at me or say anything, but she swallowed hard and seemed to be waiting.

  “I don’t have the words to describe how sorry I am for what you’re going through. I don’t know what to do that will help you see we would never let anything bad happen to you ever again. That you’re safe. With Abraham. With me.”

  She took a shaky breath in and her limbs seemed to lose a bit of tension. All good signs, but still not enough to show this was actually going to work.

  But as I saw her there, I could only be reminded of the story I told Hollis about me. How I couldn’t let my fiancé touch me because I felt I was a monster. I didn’t think it was anywhere near what she felt, but maybe on some level I could understand the need to be away from everyone else.

  “You know,” I started, my hands picking at invisible lint on my pants. “I never got a chance to tell you my story. I wanted to tell you it for so long, but I’d never shared it with anyone. That is, until Hollis helped me see I needed to share it. Especially with you.”

  The spark of hope I felt bloomed brilliantly in my chest when her head turned, and her eyes found mine. She was listening, and she was seeing. Her mind wasn’t on the horrors of her past. All her attention was on me.

  So, I did what I promised myself I would do. I told Claudia everything.

  And she was there with me through it all.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I sat there, listening to Diego’s voice and letting it filter through me. I wasn’t sure why it soothed the raging storm inside, but it did.

  I wasn’t thinking about the fucked up past that had assaulted my every waking minute. I was concentrating instead on the sad life that was Diego’s. How he’d fought the urge to kill the love of his life by disappearing completely. How he checked in on her every now and then, hiding in the shadows but never able to touch her as her life continued on. And how he had to say goodbye.

  It was tragic and broke my heart. It explained why he held back from me. The way he loved her wasn’t something you just moved on from. It was timeless. Had Abraham loved me like that? If he had, why would he allow such things to happen to me? He knew when he left, I would be left to the devices of those who were beyond cruel.

  I clenched my eyes shut and willed the images away again. I couldn’t let go of the peace Diego was offering me. Not yet. This was the first bit of true silence inside my mind since it shattered. I had to hold on a bit longer.

  I listened to the way his accent rolled the words around as he spoke. I listened for what felt like only moments but had to have been hours. Until finally, his story was finished.

  My eyes glassed over red from the tears of blood welling in them, then zeroed in on him. He sat with his arms rested on his knees and fingers folded together. His expression was calm and steady. He gazed at me, waiting. For what, I couldn’t say. But the warmth in his eyes as he stared was like a hand rubbing soothingly down my spine. I felt my body relax and the last of my pain and fear melted away.

  Without a word, I pushed myself into his lap, legs on either side of him, and settled my face into his neck. I breathed in the spicy musk of his cologne and let him wrap his arms around me. This was what I needed. Arms that were familiar, yet had no connection to my past. Ones that opened to me without judgement, only care.

  He kissed my forehead and ran a hand through the back of my short, curly locks.

  “I’ve got you, Querida. You’re safe and whole with me. Always.”

  The bloody tears finally fell from my eyes, staining the white shirt beneath his leather jacket. “H-how do I move on from t-this?” I whispered shakily into his neck.

  He sighed softly. “With time. This may have all happened years ago, but you’re only just remembering like it was yesterday. It’s okay to fall apart and to cower from it. I don’t know what happened to you, but I do know it is a horror not many can attest to and should cower over. But also, it should empower you. You survived something awful, Claudia. Even if by only a breath, you still did it. That makes you stronger where many others would fail, and you were only a human then. Now? You’re a vampire. You have power and control. You have the ability to be stronger if you want to be.”

  I shook as I cried harder, tightening my arms around him. I wept for the human I was and for what those memories had done to the vampire I was now. I was still far more broken than I thought was possible to fix, but at the same time, Diego’s words filled me with hope. Hope that I could win against the pain of my past. Hope that I could forge ahead into the future, stronger than I was before. Hope that I could find a way to forgive Abraham for locking my memories away.

  It still hurt that he hid so much, but understanding filtered through me the longer I sat there being rocked by this other man I’d learned to care for. Even with his shortcoming, I knew Brahm loved me. He wouldn’t have saved me from hanging myself if he didn’t. He wouldn’t have blocked the most painful part of my existence, then stayed away from loving me like he used to if he didn’t. It would take a while for us to get back to the us we were, but I knew we could get there again.

  My soul felt cleansed as I pulled away from Diego. I took a deep breath in and let it out while he wiped at my eyes. I felt a small smile touch my lips at his soft touch.

  “Welcome back, Claudia,” he said, before kissing the corners of my mouth gently.

  I stared at him a little longer, pushing myself to be brave. I’ve heard before that saying something that’s caught within you was a good way to purge it from you. Could I be brave enough to expose my darkest past to him? His red eyes held only love in them as he waited for me to speak.

  Yes. For him, I could be brave.

  “I want to tell you what happened…” I whispered.

  “Then I’ll listen for however long you want me to, Querida. Anything I can do to help you push past this, I’ll do it. But will you do me a favor first?”

  I slowly nodded my head, not entirely sure what he would ask of me.

  “Will you let me clean you up? You are covered in dried blood and your hair is matted. I think you’ll feel a lot better once you’re in more comfortable clothes and have been washed and clean.”

  For just a moment my heart sped up in anxiety, but settled quickly when I saw the caring expression on Diego’s face as he stood and slowly pulled me up with him. He waited silently until I nodded, then began to lead me to the bathroom.

  He motioned for me to sit on the toilet, then drew me a hot bath, occasionally testing the temperature before pouring in some jasmine oil. The intense floral smell hit my senses; a stark contrast to the smell that wafted up from my soiled shirt and mangled hair.

  When he was finished filling the tub, he gently pulled me to my feet and ran a knuckle down my cheek. His eyes never left mine as he slid his hands to the hem of my shirt and pulled it up slowly. He undid my bra with a flick of his fingers, letting it fall to the ground. Still, his eyes stayed frozen on mine when he knelt, gliding my pants and panties down with him. I stepped from them and felt my heart beginning to hammer against my chest again.

  He stood again and wound his fingers through mine, guiding me towards the tub. I stepped into the hot water and lowered myself down, immediately feeling a million times cleaner without even having to scrub. Diego had been right. This was what I needed.

  He placed one hand behind my neck and the other right on my sternum, then gently pressed me backwards to submerge my head under the water. I closed my eyes as I dropped beneath, relaxing into his hold. He quickly surfaced me then released his hold. I watched in fascination while he poured shampoo into his hands and rubbed them together. He brought them up and ran his fingers through my knotted strands, massaging my scalp gently. I hummed contently at the feel of his fingers. So delicate with me, yet enough force to re
ally work out the mess.

  The water immediately stained brown and red by how much blood had dried in it. But I paid it no mind. Diego was taking care of me in a way I never knew I needed. I felt his love for me in just the way he continued washing my hair and then my body. It was sensual and relaxing all at once.

  I waited with bated breath for the painful memories to return. I waited to be taken back to those moments that I was held captive, but they didn’t come. With every touch from Diego, I flinched internally because I thought the memories would drag me back, but they never did. For the first time in days, I felt free – free from the fear, free from the torture. Diego didn’t know it, but with each wipe of his hand, he was washing away a past I had been trapped in. With each wipe of his hand, he was reminding me what I had now…and here. Suddenly, what had started as an effort to clean my body had actually cleansed my soul and mind.

  As his hand wiped over my flesh once more, a fire inside of me began to burn. I needed more from him, as happy as I was to be free, I needed a way to forget that it had happened at all.

  He seemed to notice the change in me and stilled, locking eyes with me.

  “Claudia, as badly as I want to touch you and feel every inch of you more thoroughly, I don’t want to push you. So much has happened to you that I couldn’t be responsible for dredging it back up. I love you too much for that.”

  Instead of his words quelling my thirst for him, it only increased it. “Diego, it’s because you love me that I know I need you more than anything else right now. I need to move forward with my life, which includes being with you in a way I’ve desired since I met you. I need to feel something other than the fucked up things I’ve been feeling since these memories came back.” I moved to my knees in the tub, letting the sudsy water cascade down my now clean and utterly naked body.

  My hands went to his face and I ran a thumb along his lip, letting one of his fangs scrape across the tip of it as his mouth parted.